How to tell your Wife her Cooking Sucks

You’ve just come home from a tough day of work; your tummy starts making funny noises the moment you enter your house. It’s as though your belly is singing ring-a-ring-a-roses while humming a classic song by Yolanda Adams. You’re in desperate need of having something to eat. But you count your blessings that you encounter your lovely wife; she’s busily trying to fix you something wholesome to eat in the kitchen.

A few minutes later, your darling sets you a plate of food and you whiff a golden scent. You smell onions, paprika and all the other extra goodness. You take a deep breath and say, “Mmmm, smells real good.” You then put a spoonful of food into your mouth. And your tongue solidifies as you wonder if you’re chewing on spaghetti or play-doh. You get the urge to yell out, “Smells good, but it tastes like—” How on earth are you going to tell your wife her cooking sucks?

Dealing with your wife’s sucky Cooking: method 1

Like many predicaments in life, there are often multiple ways of solving one problem. For instance, it might be much easier to try a more subtle approach when dealing with her awful cooking. Here’s how: When you come home from work, or wherever, smile at your wife; give her the impression that you’re all elated for some reason. Her interest will peak and she’ll smile back … well, hopefully. Then break some news to her that will ultimately lead her out of the kitchen as quickly as possible.

“Hun, you got to see this! I just found out today that there are actually eleven commandments written in the Bible.” Of course your wife will frown or do something out of sort. But this is a good thing; you’ll now have the opportunity to whip out your Bible and reveal God’s latest law—the one written beneath the tenth one in red ink… “Thou shall not use food to poison loving husband.”

If your wife has a high sense of humor she will either laugh with you or gently whack you. If not, you might want to withdraw your actions and persuade her that it was an April’s fool joke, even though it’s December. And if she threatens to not cook for an entire week because of your silliness, then do remember to thank God a dozen times; mission accomplished!

Dealing with your wife’s sucky Cooking: method 2

Can your wife handle constructive criticism without her ultimately crying before a marriage counselor afterwards? If your wife is a more logical and to-the-point kind of woman then try this method. Don’t say a word whenever you see her in the kitchen. Wait till she fixes your food. And the moment you have the first bite, twist your face like a caterpillar having just eaten poison ivy.

Then say something like, “Hun, don’t take this the wrong way, but I think it might be time for some cooking lessons. But in the meantime how about we order some Chinese?” As ruthless as you may think your words may come across, the important thing to keep in mind is that you’re not being evil. Being evil entails that you say something resembling, “This tastes gross. Stay out of the kitchen! You suck!”

Honesty may still be the best approach

What some men don’t get when it comes to breaking any kind of news to their wives is that being honest is almost always the best approach; practicing it is just not always as easy as it sounds. Here’s where knowing who your wife is really comes into play: Can she cook? No! Does she think she’s the best cook on the planet? Hell, yeah! There’s good news and bad.

The bad news is that if the above scenario applies to you, you’re in the trickiest of all situations when it comes to breaking the bad news to your wife. This is because your wife is either being delusional or not being honest with herself. You’re going to need help from a gang of unbiased friends or family members. Because someone would have to muster the courage at a dinner table to tell your wife, “I’d rather eat glass and be taken to an emergency room than try any more of your cooking.”

On the upside, if your wife is aware she isn’t the best in the kitchen you would be at an advantage; it would be much easier to convince her that her catering abilities could win a noble prize for being inedible. Then she may REALLY want to consider taking special culinary lessons to reverse the potential effect.

Don’t be too hard on your wife

The bottom-line is that trust and honesty in a marriage should always be a top priority. Surely hearing disheartening, but constructive news, from someone you hold dear in your heart is hardly ever easy. But you should be able to sit with your wife and talk to her about something as fundamental as cooking. If you can’t do this without things resulting in a “food fight” then what else would you genuinely be able to talk to her about?

The sooner it is realized that no wife—or human being for that matter—should ever be put on a pedestal for not being good at something that a typical woman is naturally “supposed” to know how to do, you’ll find that you’ll always remember to appreciate your wife for all the other remarkable things she’s good at.

However, it might not hurt to get something in writing if your wife is too badly off where cooking is concerned. Promise to love her unconditionally once she promises you she’ll stay far away from the stove. At least until she learns how to properly cook … that is, if you’re still alive by then!