Anger is a funny thing. It is one of the deadliest of all emotions, arguably second only to its big brother, Hate. When someone becomes angry, a stream of feelings rushes to their brains; anger infests their otherwise clear-thinking mind with an influx of negative emotions. These emotions, if left untreated, can quickly and easily spawn hate. Therefore it’s important to know how to forgive someone you hate.
When you hate, it means you have an extreme dislike for something and this can be the onset of Rage, which occurs when someone chooses to act upon their hate. But what causes hate in the first place? It can be a number of things: jealously, pain, loss, depression, death … the list goes on. However, hate is perhaps most commonly manifested through one or more of the latter elements. This especially becomes so after someone feels deeply hurt by another. Failed relationships are a prime example of this.
Can you really forgive someone you Hate?
Think about it. One day you’re planning your honeymoon after being with someone for six years. Then on some random day you hear, “I met someone else … I think we should see other people.” Or you come home one afternoon and find your would-be spouse having sex with your best friend in your bedroom. What’s not to hate about this?
Sure you can sit there and pretend someone doing this won’t affect you; you can even just pray and hope all your ill feelings go away. But one way or another you’re going to feel some level of hurt. And if you’re truly honest with yourself you’re going to also feel hate. Though how much hate felt would be different for each person.
Now hate has perpetually gotten a bad rep for being this really nasty emotion — an emotion we are often encouraged to ignore or suppress. “Don’t say you hate someone” mommas used to say. And while mommas may have been right, the one thing a lot of them never properly addressed was how to healthily treat with that hate.
How to forgive, how to treat with Hate
The first step is to not try to avoid feeling hate. You need to grasp and own your hate. Think about it all day and all night if you must. But while you’re thinking about that hate, also think about all the ways thinking about it affects your daily life. Then think about how hating that person is actually affecting (or NOT affecting) them. Now think some more. Start mentally acting out your hate. Write out all the things you wish you could say or do to the person you hate. You can even record yourself via audio or video as you scream at the invisible person you hate.
Don’t stop until there’s nothing else you can possibly think of to hate about that person. Leave it all there in a safe location then come back a few days later and review your precious files of hate. Do this as many times as you feel you need to till you can find the will to discard everything you expressed. Would doing all of this eventually totally rid you of all your hate? Most likely not, but there is another step.
The true secret to treating with Hate
There’s a reason why after a loss many people immediately try to seek an equal or better opportunity. As a coping mechanism, their plans seem to work for a while until they realize that the loss needs to be nurtured from within. And here lies the true secret to treating with hate.
It’s not that the coping mechanisms people may apply are completely wrong. It’s just that they quickly jump to that step before applying the first. Therefore the things they may find throughout their coping strategies may or may not be good for them. Applying step one till you no longer feel to do it anymore ensures one thing. When you finally move onto the next step you will be more in tune with yourself; you will be more assured that you will find what you need to find as you move forward. Still, this usually does not completely eradicate the hate.
Forgive, FORGET … and you will treat with Hate
The third and final step is the most important. This occurs after you have owned your hate and have already sought out and accept what you need to do. You then begin to incorporate particular elements that make you a better person and improve the quality of your life. After you accomplish this it becomes easier to deal with hate. You understand that you do not act on your hate till it evolves into rage; you understand that hate is nothing more than a process to be weathered and undergone.
As you continue to heal, the day will finally come when you accept that you are in a position of greater power. Additionally, you may even find yourself in a position where you can easily crush or ruin the life of the one you hate. But now, instead of crushing them, you will only take a deep breath and gently release them from the darkness and shackles within your mind. You forgive them … because you choose happiness.
