I can’t remember exactly when the confirmation hit me but the observation definitely started a few years back. While chatting with different people, about practically anything under the sun, after a while I would just wait for it; I would wait to hear them mention something about exes. This always amused me because it was almost like a given that it was just going to happen at some point. They would just randomly blurt out things like: “I once was with an ex who…” or “This one time I went with my ex to this Italian restaurant…” and “An ex of mine used to…”.
Number of Exes
It’s funny because it’s almost likely that the older someone is the more likely you’re going to hear about their string of exes. Then at some point in life some people even stop counting how many exes they’ve been with. Of course, there are many reasons relationships typically don’t work out. Examples are due to personality clashes, different value systems, money problems, infidelity, and so on. But you would think that after ex number 19 some people would just cut back. But why do people even need to get this far? And why is having even one ex so acceptable?
Taking Responsibility
Firstly, what people need to accept is that no matter the consequences or who was responsible for the success or demise of a relationship, having an ex means there was failure involved. Yes, if you have an ex it means you’ve failed of accomplishing something that you originally hoped to occur. Again, it does not matter whose fault it was, the bottom-line is that you failed. The sooner you accept that having an ex coincides with failure, the sooner you can take responsibility for your own life and all future situations. And this leads to the next point.
Relationships versus Marriages
Chances are a lot of people respect marriage a lot more than a relationship. If a relationship fails many see it as just another relationship that didn’t work out. But if a marriage fails and leads to a divorce somehow it’s more likely that more questions would be asked. Suddenly the failure becomes more transparent. So in other words, to many people it’s almost as though it’s okay to have 18 exes versus 3 marriages.
The reasons for the differences in their beliefs could stem from many places. For instance, they may see marriage to be something that’s supposed to be sacred or permanent versus a relationship that is supposed to just lead up to marriage. By viewing it this way, it takes the true value and meaning out of a relationship. And this could very well be the only reason so many people end up with exes.
It’s all hard work!
Relationships (especially out of wedlock) are often not given the respect, time and effort they truly deserve. Many people do not care to work much for anything. They just care about the profit they can reap in the end, so the moment things become too tough in a relationship they are ready to try something new—to try someone else. They are quick to look elsewhere because something does not immediately please them. And so they move from ex to ex either because they feel like something is missing without a relationship or because they’re getting older and everyone is apparently supposed to have a relationship at a given time.
People try to invest in knowing someone else without taking the time to sufficiently understand another person. And another. And another. After all, it can appear that there are no real drawbacks when it comes to having exes. They get to talk to others about the sort of person their ex was and then get to claim or hear that someday they would find someone better. Never mind that the people they leave behind in the process of their chronic “excapdades” may have been emotionally damaged. That’s all in the past now, right?
The REAL Reason we have Exes
The real reason people may have too many many exes is that they are intrinsically selfish. They may never admit or want to accept it, but consider that this may be true. It’s easy to just leave someone when things are not going your way. And sometimes you really do need to leave too.
But at some point you must begin to realize that even if the failure of relationships does not happen to mostly be your fault, something is still causing them to fail. And while you may not have complete control over many situations and relationships do involve some element of risk, you do need to take responsibility for the amount of failure you let occur in your life, especially as it relates to relationships. Not because you weren’t married to the person or may not have much to lose: like your house, car, children etc. means you should treat relationships like a prostitute in search of their next client. Yes, you may have options but you must still choose people for the right reasons.
Think REAL before you Date
People are human; they have thoughts, feelings and needs. If you decide to share your life with someone in a relationship you should note one primary thing: ensure that your past failures do not perpetually trickle down to affect others. We may not be able to see the future. But a mindful person would be able to do enough self reflection to minimize the risk of hurting someone. They would want to do as much as possible so their love interest doesn’t become one of their exes.
Yes, by nature we all have some level of selfishness within us; but don’t ever let this selfishness and need to cure emptiness or please others in society make you yet another person who just has too many exes. Because if you never spend enough time genuinely working on what needs to be improved in the middle, in the end the most you may end up being to everyone else is just another ex. And that’s being real!
