How do you know when it’s more than just Mood Swings?
Picture being in a relationship with someone that goes likes this: On weekdays they are nice throughout January. In February, they are nice on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. In March they are nice on Tuesdays and Thursdays plus the occasional Sundays or Saturdays. As time goes by you accept the person for who they are. Then you find out their “niceness schedule” completely changes each quarter of the year.
You continue to deal with the unexpected changes. They’re just a bit moody after all. And you keep telling yourself that story until you start noticing a different kind of change. Each month, the number of days your partner remains in a nice mood blatantly become less and less; nothing you can say or do seems to stop the change. And if you’re not careful every day you may find yourself playing, “guess which mood I’m in today.”
Dealing with Mood Swings
One of the most challenging periods of my life was during a time when I dated someone that was almost a replica of what I described above. Like most relationships, things started off great at the beginning. I was really into “Ms. Jekyll” and then before you knew it all I felt to do was hide. But instead of hiding, I tried everything I could think of to make things better and everything be came worse.
After that relationship ended, I spent a great deal of time processing all the things I may have done wrong; I also processed all the things I could have done better. I was so determined to get to the bottom of things I started doing heavy research on why relationships fail. My aim was to understand how to add value to relationships to increase the chances of success.
When it’s more than just Mood Swings
But numerous events kept playing in my head post breakup. I started thinking: Now she did say she was moody from day one. And she also did hint a few times that she may have been Bipolar. And what about those headaches she kept complaining about?
But the more I thought about everything, down to the possibility that she could have had a brain tumor, the more I kept thinking I might have been missing something. How could I have felt as though I was trying so hard to make someone so happy yet everything just went so wrong? Even the possibility that she may have just lost interest or had just met someone else came to mind and even accepting that did not appease me.
More than Bipolar Disorder
So I thought and thought till one particular memory came to mind: You keep saying that you might be Bipolar. I think this is something worth checking out. I’m willing to take time off from work to go see a doctor with you. My noble gesture was met with resounding excuses as to why she should not make an appointment.
It was not long after that thought that I started researching Bipolar Disorder. And upon reading much of the available material I was like, “Yes! this is her! Finally it makes sense: all the confusion, all the arguments. This is why I couldn’t reach out to her.” I believed this for quite a while. Except … it was not truly her.
The real reason for the Mood Swings
There was one main differentiator I missed based on the research I was conducting. It all came down to what triggered my former partner’s moods. Moods pertaining to Bipolar Disorder are triggered randomly, for no reason whatsoever. But Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is different. Moods stemming from BPD are triggered by particular events that others would either just brush off or take for granted.
In an instant almost every negative experience from my past relationship came to mind. And it was at that point that I received confirmation that I was hardly ever the problem in the relationship. It was easy to see because of one, simple understanding. If you’re consistently trying to add something positive to improve a partnership and it’s consistently being met with negative responses then what you have is a hindrance.
Yet the absolute certainty I received came after I reviewed dozens of articles. And the following points kept coming up in relation to a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder:
- They experience intense mood swings
- They struggle with low self-esteem and fear rejection
- They had a traumatic experience as a child
- They have trouble maintaining stable relationships
- They’ve had suicidal thoughts
- They engage in reckless behavior
My ex suffered from all of the above plus many more traits you would find if you were to do your own research on the topic.
The danger of Mood Swings
It was often very difficult being with someone who had BPD, especially when neither of us had known at the time. The mood swings in particular were arguably the most challenging elements to deal with; it’s just not that easy finding peace of mind with someone who feels like sleeping with you one minute then killing themselves the next. Was she always like this? No. And that was the most interesting part about my discovery.
During the honeymoon period of the relationship most of the BPD traits remained low key or nonexistent. Once things became challenging, like many normal relationships, dark traits seemingly came out of nowhere. At that point you can’t help but wonder if you really got a 6 for a 9 and how much of the moods swings are really controllable.
They may not be bad people
Many times people tend to stay with others for different reasons; they may be in love with them, are lonely, comfortable or would just feel bad breaking up with someone. The truth is that they may not be bad people (as was the case with my ex). But they may not truly have the state of mind to be good in a long-term relationship either.
Fact is, no matter the reason, mood swings are not supposed to be seen as something normal; they can banish healthy and rational actions that a normal person tends to take. Too frequent and drastic mood swings could be a sign of something much deeper.
They need help
My only hope is that those who read this article would be easier able to recognize signs in advance. It’s best they prevent themselves from wasting time or effort on someone who may need more help than they may be equipped to give.
The ability to recognize what causes a sudden change in someone’s mood can not only save you a friendship or relationship, but can also save someone’s life. It’s always better to understand why someone is impulsively acting out than to judge. Even if you are unable to help them, you can get someone else to help or you can just stay far away.
